Realization.

There is something about me that I don't like.

Something that has plagued me for a while now.
I am fat, ugly. This is what I wanted since I was 9 years old.
YES - I WANTED THIS.

Since I was little I was molested on two separate occasions by two different, much older men. I decided that there was something about me that attracted this kind of evil and my solution was turning into something that no one would want.

And, I succeeded, aside from a few incidents along the way. I have punished myself for far too long for something that I now realize was never my fault to begin with.

I need to give myself the life I should of had before all the crap fell into it. And that is what I am going to do.

I want something. I really want something. I have never wanted it so bad in my life. I feel it in my bones. I have to have it.The only way I can get it is if I finally let my self be the way I always wanted to be.

This journey starts now.

So perhaps not so unexpected. 0_o

So, I gave my ex a shot!!!

And its definitely not gonna work. =O

I realized though, that I really need to work on myself.
There are things about myself that I don't like that are limiting my ability to see past this person. I know it to, but I guess I just wanted to try the easy way.

I am sure there is someone out there who is the perfect match for me, I just got to fix the part of me that makes me afraid to take the chance.

Also, everything so far has been a hit and miss. I shouldn't let these things bring me down but make me stronger.

Anyways, my new grandmaster plan is to have as much fun as I possibly can! I wish I knew people in San Diego who liked to party =( All my party friends are in LA...

Also in the plan ---> Get FIT!!!!! I got a 20Ib goal staring me in the face!!!!!

Ladies and Gents I think we have ourselves a New Years resolution!!=)

The Ex, but maybe not for long 0_0??

Its been a whole year since I broke up with my ex-boyfriend.

And, it didn't occur to me until my drunken episode how much I miss the guy. I mean if you think about it, I haven't been in a single relationship since then. I haven't even gone on a date. Granted, I did tell someone that I liked them, but I don't think I was really interested in that person (just lookin for a rebound)...

So, I decided I would call my ex to see how he is doing and we ended up talking for more than an hour (I had to cut it short cause I needed to work on a paper)
We decided to meet up after finals when I go back to San Diego. He hinted a few times that he wanted to get back together with me (he hadn't been interested in anyone either)

I don't think I made a mistake in breaking up a year ago. There were some things that we both needed to do for ourselves but I guess I should at least give him a trail run. Just to see if he has changed at all.

If he is gonna be the way he was, I don't need the drama. I will definitely let him loose for good. Besides, I am going to Europe this summer, and I plan to study abroad for a year and spend a quarter in Washington D.C. If he can't be OK with that, then goodbye to him!

I guess I will see how it goes, but so far, its alright....Just don't be surprised if I am still single by the end of the holiday break. =O

21 and Drunk

For the first time ever, last Saturday I got really drunk.

Totally wasted. And, unfortunately I remember everything.0_0

As soon as I crossed the line from tipsy to drunk, I was crying and yelling about how I wish that regular people didn't have to suffer, or how I didn't want to go back to LA because I felt lonely.

Basically everything that I kept inside for the past couple of months came out. And I am sure I looked like a complete idiot.

Whats worse is that I thought I was with someone who I could trust to take care of me if I went over the line. Unfortunately, I was severely disappointed.

There are many things I learned Saturday night.
1) Never mix beer and liquor cause then you are just asking for trouble.
2)You should drink water before you go to sleep after drinking so that you don't get a hangover
3)Do not drink water after waking up from a night of drinking because it will just make it worse!
4) Never get drunk around someone who has a thing for you because they might take advantage

Trust me, I learned all of these things the hard way =(

Never Get into a Fight with a mother - You always lose.

So, our toilet is clogged.

Someone had been putting toilet paper in the toilet and it wasn't me or my roommate Kim. The only person it could of been was the other roommate.

Now, this same person told me that my hair was all over the floor and that it wasn't Kims or hers because my hair is short. So, of course I took responsibility and said I would be more careful and make sure to clean up after myself.

So, I thought that when I would mention the toilet incident that she would react the same way - take responsibility, fix the toilet etc.

Well...that didn't happen. She got all "Why do you always tell me what I am doing wrong when ever I come home?" In my face and started yelling at me out of nowhere.
And then she started saying "Well how do you know it was me, how did you know you didn't do it by mistake?" yadayadayda.

So, anyone who knows me knows that I don't fuck around, if someone gets into my face, I get right back. So a huge argument ensued, I tried to explain to her that it wasn't us (me and kim) that did it. I even went as far as to say that I didn't mean to say it the way I said it (which I wasn't aggressive in any way I just mentioned that the toilet was clogged and to be careful the next time she went in there to use it before she said "And you think I did it?" - which is a weird response to a warning??) but she still continued to yell at me and give me attitude.

Well, near the end of the argument I walked away and she said "Fuck you" and then I said "I am tired of hearing you, get the fuck out of here and go home to your kid!" And that's when my other roommates ganged up on me and was like, "You went to far RoseAnita."

You see, roommate number 3 has a kid, and so she is never at the apartment because she is always at her moms house. She really only comes to the apartment to change her cloths, shower, etc. (which I think is stupid because she is paying rent to be at the apartment when she could be at home with her mom, for free, and with her kid)

And, every time she comes home she leaves a mess that I usually end up cleaning up. Makeup all over the counter, hair all over the floor (not my hair this time,cause I sweep after I brush my hair in the bathroom) and now the toilet.

She also owes me money for utilities which she still needs to pay me (hence the reason why she said why I always tell her what shes doing wrong)

Now, I know that I was wrong in saying some things, and I could of approached the entire situation better. Bottom line, I should of been the better man and let her look like an idiot for over reacting. But something just comes over me when I get angry that I just hit below the belt.

But, I really think that if she were on top of her shit, then I wouldn't have to ask her when she is going to pay her share of the bills (since the utilities are in my name) and I wouldn't have to tell her about all the messes she makes, etc.

Anyway, now I am the bad guy in the house because of what I said about her needing to go take care of her kid.

So, as much as I don't want to (because I feel that I was the only one who was in the wrong) I am going to apologize to her.

Damn. Who knew living with other people could be so political >.<

Weird. Word. Dreaming.

I had the weirdest dream the other day.

I was in the hospital and the doctor was going to give me a shot. He explained to me that the shot would put me to sleep so that I wouldn't feel the pain before it was time for me to pass away.

I started to freak out because I didn't want to die. I pleaded with him, "Why can't I do chemotherapy, isn't there another way I can fight this?"

All he would say was "Its too late."

And I remember (as I was struggling to get away from him and that shot that would put me to sleep) thinking of what an idiot I was for trying alternative medicine instead of using western medicine when I had the chance. 0_0

Obviously, in this dream I had cancer (what kind I do not know).
And I remember this unbelievable amount of fear that I was in. I didn't want to go to sleep when I didn't even feel sick or in pain. I wanted to live through the few precious moments that I had left. But most importantly, I didn't want to die.

And as I slowly began to feel weaker, and my eyes became heavier, I realized that the doctor was right.

It was too late.
The world went black.

----And that is when I woke up in a cold sweat.----

What a weird dream.0_0

Emo moment over! Thank goodness!=)

Ahh, yes. I have been feeling a whole lot better these past few weeks. There is nothing like a first week of school freak out to get the school year started!

I have decided that I am going to become either A-sexual or lesbian. Not forever. Just for a couple years.

I think that a stint away from men in general would get me in the right place.We shall see how long I am able to make it! But, at the rate I am going I have a good chance of keeping my deadline.

I am just gonna focus on work, school, and having as much fun as I can possibly get into!

=)

*raises glass in the air* Here is to tomorrow!

Cheers. =)

Numb.

I feel like I have been punched in the stomach.
Like that initial feeling of just being punched won't go away.

Its hard to breathe.
My emotions are numb.

I don't know if I want to cry.
scream,
run,
float away.

Its hard to decide.

I hate everything.
Nothing can make me happy anymore.

Why can't I just be the way I was before all this mess?

The Nerd and My Brain

Its already been a month since I wrote a blog. I have been so busy its fricken ridiculous. I am so glad that I am no longer working full time because then I feel I would eventually kill myself! (maybe 0_0)

Every week there has been a couple of big assignments due. I have papers, and books to read for all my classes and I have a limited amount of free time.

I can't say I really miss home all that much, but I kind of do. The two times that I went home, the place felt really alien to me which is weird because if you think about it I hadn't really been gone that long at all. Every time I was in San Diego I couldn't wait to get back to school. That became my main focus: "When can I go back to school, how soon can I leave!" I am not sure why I feel that way though. Maybe its because I knew that there was a mountain of homework waiting for me when I got back and every second I was away, the pile just got bigger and bigger. =(

I will admit, it hasn't been all school and no play. I did something a few weeks ago that I have never done before. I told this guy that I liked him.
Well, I didn't tell him, but I gave him a note. (I know, SO High School)

I don't know what compelled me to do it, I just did it. And I guess I am glad I did, even if it does turn out bad.

So, what happened after my confession?
Well, nothing really. At least I don't think so. I had a chance to discuss (yes, DISCUSS!=O) my note. He said that he felt we didn't really know each other long enough to have any lasting feelings and that it would be better if we spent the remainder of our time here trying to get to know each other more. AND, if by the end of the program, "If I still liked" him, then maybe we could go from there.(he said it so much better than my explanation though!)

So, since then, every once in a while we will walk together, eat meals together, and we have even gone to the movies together. I also spent a few hours (Totally 7 hours) in his room just talking about stuff, life, family, and my personal favorite - Anime! =)

Did I mention that he is kind of a nerd..well, I don't think so, but other people (including himself) do. I don't know how to explain it, but there is just something about him that I really like. Its the way he talks, his sarcastic and blunt way of looking at the world that makes me laugh. I really respect a lot of what he has to say and talk about because he is really smart and I have learned a lot from him. When he's around I can't help but smile too.

My biggest concern at this point is, he knows I like him but I have NO IDEA what he thinks about me. I have never felt so vulnerable before, and I am kind of dreading the outcome. What if after this program ends, he finds he has no feelings for me at all? What if he was just being nice and not able to reject me? These things I will not know for another couple of weeks. (And yes, the suspense is KILLING ME!)

But I just need to teach myself to be patient and not think about the negative. Well, I should definitely prepare for the outcome, but not constantly be engulfed in the game to not enjoy it. (This makes a lot of sense in my head)

Anyways, I should get back to my homework! Until next time!

Idol Ass Grabs and the New School

Alot of the things have happened to me the past couple of days.

However, Wednesday night will always be considered one of the best nights of my life!! After I finished packing all my things so that I could go to UCLA at 3AM the next morning I headed straight to SOMA in San Diego and waited in line for the Vamps concert featuring my favorite Japanese singer/Actor - HYDE!! The concert started at 7pm.

Thanks to my wonderful friend Gabby, I was able to grab a spot behind her in the front row!! (I was so close to the front it was ridiculous)

The band was amazing! I love their music. The way they perform is also unorthodox since for this particular show they really interacted with the audience.

I am proud to say that at one moment or another during the performance I was able to physically touch every member of the band!!(Minus the Drummer and Keys)

And yes, I saw my opportunity to grab Hyde-o Sans ass and went for it!!! Very firm =)

I also got to touch other parts(although not quite as exciting =P)

So after getting home from that amazing performance I was able to go home, re-arrange my cloths, and sleep for 1 hour and 30 before waking up to go to TSP at UCLA.

Kim and her bf Josh both accompanied me to UCLA since Kim will be renting my car for $100 a month saving me lost of money =)

I love the dorm rooms. Somehow everything that I brought with me fit in the room. I even have room for a little more (not to much more, but maybe a few extra cloths and books)

After spending two days on campus I am really loving everything around here. The gym is free =) and the food in the cafeteria is delicious and healthy. They give practically exact proportions and realistic "one" servings of food which definitely helps with not over eating.

My room mate is pretty awesome and easy to get along with, although my suites mates are a little irritating (They used our sink without asking and left a mess) but I am sure we will all manage to get along for the month that we are sharing the same bathroom.

Anyways, I can't wait to see what will happen tomorrow =)

I have too much stuff =(

I started packing yesterday.

For 6 hours all I managed to do was organize all my cloths! =(

Tonight I plan on going through the unopened boxes in my closet and throwing away stuff I am probably not gonna keep.

Then I am gonna repack etc.

I hope I can get it all done by tomorrow since I am going to a JRock concert Wednesday.

Then I am leaving at 4AM Thursday morning!!!

Anyone know how I can add more hours to the day??0_0

Early morning cup of POPO

I must say, there is nothing like being woken up at 6 am to 5 police officers asking to search your home.

=) But that is how my morning started out yesterday.
Its kind of sad, but I am kind of used to it now. I think this is like the 8 or 9th time this has happened.

The joy. They said they were looking for some old, ugly, fat Mexican guy who has been receiving mail at my house. I have never seen the guy before, nor have I seen any mail for this guy.

After they left and realized that the house was only filled with a bunch of women and children - I call my sister and she tells me that they were probably looking for something else blah blah blah, don't let them in the house without a warrant, blah blah blah.

Look. I have nothing to hide. I am a goody two shoes. Duh.
But I guess its not the same story for everyone else. Thank goodness that I will be leaving soon.

People are freaking crazy.

Regardless, next time I will definitely ask for a warrant just because it is the smart thing to do regardless if I have anything to hide. But I had just woken up so I wasn't in my right mind.

Oh well, next time.

I should pack soon 0_0

I am going to be leaving early morning next Thursday to start summer school at UCLA.

I haven't really prepared, at all.
I am a little worried about my finances. I am not sure how soon I can get a job once I leave. I am gonna have to pay the bills until September or October to give me time.

I was looking at my bank account. It does not look too good.
I need to pay more attention to my loose change and put it in that tin so that I can have a little extra cash in the bank every month. I might need to borrow some money from my dad or my sister. (Maybe even convince them to just give it to me)

I am hoping everything works out.

I am also a little nervous. I kind of feel like just locking myself in my room and forgetting that I have to go anywhere. Maybe that's why I haven't started packing.
My life is pretty set here.

But, I know, I know. I need to start over. I also need to start separating from my family. I have a feeling that one day they are gonna cause problems for me in the future. Its sad that I am saying that, but I am so different from all of them. They attract trouble.

I don't know. I guess I have a lot to do and think about for the next couple of days...

Teeth

I got 4 teeth removed today. 0_0

Not only that, but apparently my roots are the longest roots the Dentist has ever seen from someone with such small teeth.

Obviously, you can imagine that the holes in my mouth are pretty deep.

Coming home from the dentist was pretty embarrassing as I was driving my self and had to keep one hand covering my mouth so that no one would see the cotton sticking out of my mouth.
=(

On top of that, I am really hungry but I am not sure what I can eat. It says on the paper that they gave me that I can't wash my mouth out til tomorrow and that I should rinse after every meal, but then, doesn't that mean that I also can't eat til tomorrow?

AHHH!

I guess its good if I just don't think about it.

I got hit by a deer. 0_0

I spent a week visiting my mom.
Alot of interesting things happened to me on my travels.

First, I got my very first ever! SPEEDING TICKET!
Beautiful. Not only that, I got it in the middle of freaking nowhere. Bishop, CA to be more exact.

There was this huge white ghetto van tailgating me on the 395 North, and so I started to speed up, thinking he would take a hike. Little did I know that there was a police officer in the van, waiting, hoping, for the right moment to pull me over and give me a SPEEDING TICKET! At 1am in the morning no less.Dammit. I took it gracefully, and the guy lowered my ticket from a 90mph speed to 80mph. So, cool. Whatever. Lesson learned. (Jess, I know your saying "I told you so" right now. Go ahead, let me have it! =) Of course, when I finally reached Nevada I got pulled over again at 4am cause I was going 40mph in a 30!!BITCHES!!AHHH! But I didn't get a ticket, so there!

Anyway, after an exhausting 10 hour drive to my grandfathers house, I took a 4 hour nap and went my merry little way to my mothers house. 5 hours later, I arrive and to my immense horror, the entire house is filthy! I mean disgustingly filthy. Especially the kitchen. Lets just say, I spent the majority of my visit cleaning my mothers house to live able standards. I think I actually spent about 3 hours with my mom the entire week.

I don't think I ever wanted to willingly clean in my entire life.
Thanks mom. =)

Anyway, I decided that I would drive back home to SD within the same 24 hour period and so I drove south down the 395 again, lookin out for cops and such. (I have never driven so slow in my entire life) Those speed limits are freaking ridiculous. 25mph on a freaking main street?? You are fucking kidding me! AHHH!!

So while I was driving down through the mountains, I am following this car that is speeding (cause who is the police gonna pull over first, me? or the guy going faster? =) and I see this thing bucking back and forth across the road. At first I thought it was a dog, but as I got closer I realized that it was a DEER!!! AHH!!

I slowed down, and it grazed the side of my car. I will admit, I was freaking shocked. I have never been hit by a deer before.

I have heard horror stories about deer, and people hitting them and then ending up dead. 0_0

Anyway, I guess I am lucky I was able to maneuver around the deer. And obviously I made it back to SD =) Alive!!!

So yeah. Wait until I tell you about what happened this 4th of July weekend! But that is for my next blog.=)

Myspace and a letter.

A couple days ago this guy sent me a message on myspace telling me that there was a letter addressed to my P.O. Box from SWC glued to an identical letter sent to him.

Apparently he deduced that since I was in college, I would probably have a myspace and so he was able to find me.

Its been about a week since then and I have got my letter telling me I am on the honor roll =) top 3% BABY!! WOO!!

Anyway, even though I have already received my letter we are still sending messages back and forth everyday. I thought I would never say this but it feels really good talking to a complete stranger about life. The weird thing is that we live 3 minutes apart from each other (we don't know each others exact address) have gone to the same school and have never met before and we probably never will.

oh well. =/

To much shit to do.

I have a lot of work to do before next Thursday night.

It doesn't help that my work computer got a weird virus that might have damaged my hard drive, thus setting me back an entire day! Maybe two! 0_0

I need to get Adobe photoshop if I ever want to finish that damn program in time.

It doesn't help that Miss Bitch 2008 is acting like a spoiled brat trying to force her little want program on me. Fuck that shit. I don't take crap from little wannabes who think there the shit just cause they are "Miss NC 2008" Whatever.

She better hope I never see her on the street.
I am making the program, I set deadlines, you don't meet the deadline that's your own fault, not mine and I sure as hell am not waiting on nobody!!!! So stick it BITCH!

Anyways, so I am hoping that tomorrow after work I can relax with some Karaoke. =)
That is, as long as Mickey doesn't try to spoil it by making us do something else. Nothing relaxes me more than singing really loud and acting stupid with friends. Plus, the food is awesome.

I have to work on Saturday and part of Sunday but I am hoping to go to a movie with Beautiful Jessica =)

Hopefully, everything goes according to my plan. Hopefully. >.> <.< 0_0

Me time please.

This entire week has been kind of crazy.

I have to do so much work for the Miss National City Pageant, the Carnival, Christmas in July, etc. By the time I get home all I want to do is stay in my room, keep to myself and read a book or do something that doesn't require me to do much.

I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to be bothered, I just want some time to myself doing something that I want to do.

I feel bad for not wanting to answer the phone when people call me, but I just don't want to bother with the phone, I don't want to have a long conversation about nothing I care about.

Its gotten to the point that starring at the ceiling is more appealing to me then interacting with the outside world. Its pretty pathetic. I am pretty pathetic.

I think when I get home today I am gonna grab my itouch and go for a walk on the beach, listen to music, relax if I can. Maybe that will make feel better.

Maybe...

Baseball and a Movie

I went to a padres game with my buddies. Well the trip did include about 50 avid kids. They were very interesting. A little annoying, but overall ok. I haven't ridden on a school bus in about two years so that was a pretty fun experience except for the little bit of nausea that set on during our travel to Petco park.

I did not like the fact that the bus driver kept taking his eyes off the road on the freeway because he was to busy talking to his wife..

When my buddies and I had found a seat one of the kids told me that everyone gave him their peanuts. Interesting. That gave me a good laugh for a while.

I almost bet a kid five bucks that the padres would lose. But then I didn't.

One of the field crew guys started dancing on the field during the game. I wonder if he got fired...

This little kid named Danny told a joke. It was funny. Something about No Wal-mart in Iraq and everything being a Target or something.

He also told a dirty joke. That was funny too, but I told him that maybe he should keep it to himself next time (the kids like 12 years old! what the hell, but the joke was funny)

My friend got hit in the head by one of the kids and this other kid offered to kick his ass for the right price . Awesome. Child army.

Would I ever agree to chaperone another baseball game? Maybe.

I also got to see my beautiful friend Jess on Saturday, which was a nice surprise. She invited me to see a movie and even treated me to a Jamba Juice, which was nice since I don't get treated often =).

Her mother joined us before the movie (We saw Land of the Lost). I thought it was interesting how her mom refused to sit next to her in the theater. Unfortunately, after the movie, Jess and her mother went home and that's all the time I got to spend with her.

As for the movie, it was stupid, yet hilarious. I had a lot of mixed emotions leaving the theater.

I went to another baseball game on Sunday. The Padres lost. Not much of a surprise really. I have been to about 8 baseball games with the Padres and they have lost every single one of them. Although, I left the Sunday game early because it was obvious they were gonna lose. Once I left, the Padres tied up the game with a surprise home run causing the game to go on for another 9 innings,I wish I could of seen it. Although, the only thing the extra 9 innings did was cause the Padres to get their asses kicked twice as bad.

I think I am bad luck to the team. I don't think I will go to another game if I can help it.

On another note:
I am hoping I will be able to go more places with friends before I leave to UCLA.

AHHHH!! I am going to miss all my friends and family when I leave. =( but a fresh start is just to much to walk away from.

So.

I realized that in a lot of my blogs I start out with the word "So."

I have no idea what that is about. I guess I tend to do that when I am explaining things too.

What a weird little quirk.

Oh well, guess the universe will just have to deal with my oddness =)

Creepy

I had this really weird dream last night. It was a little freaky for me because sometimes I find my dreams coming true.

I was at UCLA, in class, and there was this guy. For some reason, I already knew that everyone who got close to this guy seemed to disappear, and so I was afraid of him, and did my best to stay away from him.

Well, for some reason the dream shifts from being in the class room to me being in some sort of closet peering into a room. And what I am seeing is this guy cutting up and eating two bodies!! One girl with blond short hair, wearing a white shirt with red flowers had her torso and arms cut off and she was missing an eye (I don't know how I was able to see all of that- it was as if I went from the closet to looking down from above). Then there was this other little boy that I seemed to know, a brother of a friend of mine, who was also missing his arms and torso.

I woke up to my alarm after that. There was more to the story but its kind of fuzzy and I just remember the really weird parts.

I don't think any of this will come true, but I wonder if there was some underlining meaning to it....

Guess I will find out in July when I go to UCLA. 0_0

Simple Irritation

One of my very good friends and mother of my God child really disappointed me yesterday.

Our mutual friend really needed us to help him with his job, just by showing up and getting a free meal for an hour! It was easy, and we both could of gone.

But, my friend is a lazy person. If her new infatuation was able to go (the man she has been ditching me for the past couple of days) she would of gone. I know it. She would of done anything to go if he was going. But he had to work, so instead of just being honest to me and telling me she didn't want to go anymore, she started making a bunch of excuses. I kept coming up with good rebuttals, when she couldn't think of any good ones she just said she would be there and then when I called her to see if she was on her way, she didn't answer. I called her house phone and her godmother had to tell me that she wasn't going to go.

Look, I understand that she has a kid, and other responsibilities, but I was going to pay for a babysitter (my sister)and everything and she didn't have the decency to just call me and say "You know what, I am really not interested in going." Don't fucking make lame excuses like "I can't get a babysitter" etc. Especially since she had just gone on a date the night before with whats his face. JUST BE HONEST!!

But no, I guess since I don't have a penis I am just not important enough for her to care.

My head hurts.

So I got a letter from UCLA telling me that I have been classified as a "non-resident" of California.

A non-resident.

A NON FUCKING RESIDENT???? WTF!

I have only lived in California most of my life but I guess that's not enough to be considered a resident. No, I guess I have to have lived here 20 or 30 years or maybe after I start pushing daisy's for them to see that: YES!!!!I am a fucking resident of California.

So now I have the "burden of proof" to prove that I am freaking California Resident even though I have sent them hundreds (ok, I am exaggerating, more like 30 pages=)of forms proving that I have been living in California.

I am sorry but, for a school that is so world renown and famous they sure have a bunch of idiots working in their offices.

I am so glad I don't have school for a couple weeks otherwise I might of killed myself.

Graduated

So. I got my associates in Political Science. Went through the 2 and a half hour ceremony, got a little shout out from my friends and 2% of my family.

Overall, it was alright.

The best part of the evening was when my friends and my favorite teacher went to a Karaoke bar!! It was awesomeness. My sisters even came for a couple hours.

Although, I have to admit, I was a little butt hurt about some of the stuff going down at my grandmas house on this particular day.

You see, I am the first in my family to obtain a college degree. I was also the first in my family to graduate high school without a criminal record and actually got to participate in the graduation ceremony.

Now, after I graduated high school - did my family throw me a graduation party?
No. I went home, and went to sleep for the rest of the weekend before going back to work on that Monday.

Now, after my college graduation - what do you think my family did?
For me. Nothing.
For my little brother - They threw him a post prom party...

And they didn't invite me.

Did I ever get a post prom party? No.
Have I ever been caught smoking weed and then two weeks later get a post prom party thrown for me? NO! but my brother did!!!

Dammit.

Oh well, I least I had fun with my friends. Did I mention that the only reason my sisters left early is because they had that post prom party to go to.


Yeah. I feel the love.

Re-Hired

So my boss realized after about two hours that she couldn't live without me (after all I am the only one who knows how to do my work) and then saw that what had happened was not worth firing me over and we both apologized and I got my job back.

Dammit.

I was really looking forward to a vacation, but there is to much shit to do in the summer.

oh well =(

Fired.

So, I got fired today.

It was kind of my fault and I accept responsibility for it, but overall I think the whole situation was a huge misunderstanding.

You see my organization does a lot of work for the Lions Club in National City(more like 95% of the admin work) and one of my friends was Miss National City 2007 for the Lions. She had told me that she needed community service hours to take care of a ticket that she got last year and that she needed to write up something so that the head of the Miss National City Pageant could sign it for her. Well, she then wanted to know how our organization wrote our community service letter and without thinking about it I showed her a template of our letter and told her to just fix it up for the lions, send it to the person in charge and handle it from there.

Well, I did not think that my friend would copy verbatim what I had showed her or that the person in charge of the pageant would forward the info to my boss for approval.

My mistake for having faith in the intelligence of people.

So, my boss accused me of writing fraudulent community service letters and I got fired.

Mind you, my boss is an idiot. She really is. I tried to explain to her the circumstances of the letter and the emails and it was like talking to a brick wall.

Also, she is one of the most dishonest, back stabbing women I have ever met in my life and she is defrauding the organization of money among other things. But I am not gonna stoop to her level. I am sure KARMA will get to her someday.

As for me, I am going to UCLA at the end of July so this just spells VACATION BABY!!!

=)

Perhaps things were meant to be this way.

So. Somehow I am going to UCLA.

I think overall UCLA was the best choice. I really get to start fresh and live the true college experience.
If you think about it, I don't have a boyfriend, I can rent my car to someone saving me more money on the car payment and gas. I can still come back home every weekend.

I'm gonna be living in the dorms and I can use my financial aid to pay for it every quarter.

I'm also gonna get an on-campus job. Probably doing something clerical.
I don't know what I'm gonna do about my notary business. I won't have a car in LA so maybe people on campus can use a notary.

I'm gonna need to fix my business cards before I go and update my website ...

Overall, I feel really good about this decision. Nervous too, but that's natural.

Cheers to the future.

Crash and burn

Right now I feel like my entire body is ready to just give up.

I am so stressed right now its unbelievable.
As I write this blog, I can feel the tears coming down my cheek, but I know that now is not the time to crash and burn.

I have so much work to do, and so much to think about.

I feel like my whole world is crumbling again. I don't know what to do.
I got accepted to UCLA, and I am just so confused right now. I have mixed feelings about it and I feel like I am being pulled in two directions and I don't know what to do.

I really can't explain how I am feeling to anyone because I know I will only receive bias explanations and answers and it will only make me more confused.

I just wish that I hadn't worked from 7am-6pm today, and I wish that those damn assignments were not due tomorrow, and that the stupid political science exam was on Thursday instead of tomorrow and that I didn't have to make major decisions for my future by Friday! Oh did I mention that the golf tournament I have been working on for months also just happens to be this Friday? Yeah, my life feels pretty shitty right now.

All this shit wont disappear.

Its times like these that I feel as though maybe a fresh start in life isn't such a bad idea.

Joy ride

Last Saturday I went to Little Tokyo in Los Angeles with my two best friends.

It was funny, because we had made the trip to L.A. specifically to visit UCLA.

Yeah...we never made it there.

I wanted to visit UCLA because I am not sure if I really want to settle for UCSD. When I walk around UCSD it makes me feel like I am in prison or something. UCSD is so gray, and ugly. Barely any color. I am not sure if I am going to be able to function there.

So...as I wait for my letter of acceptance (or denial) from UCLA, I figured it would be a good idea to visit the campus. Plus, it would be fun to tour L.A.

We had planned the entire day, we would go to Little Tokyo, China Town, THEN to UCLA and make it back in time for dinner. =)

Well, we arrived at Little Tokyo at 10AM...and...we got hooked! Little Tokyo was so much fun that it was really hard to leave. Plus, we had paid $6.50 for parking the entire day...so we being so cheap decided to just head home after Little Tokyo.

But! on the bright side, this means we will be making another trip up north to visit China Town, and UCLA.

I am looking forward to it ^_^

Accepted

So, I got my acceptance letter to UCSD a couple days ago....

For some reason I am not as happy as I thought I would be. I mean I have been working to transfer to this university for two years. Most people who want to transfer have been in community college for 3 years and above preparing. I really worked my ass off to get that acceptance.

Dammit.

Maybe its because I am really stressed out right now. My stupid financial aid hasn't shown up yet and I am in major debt. (Not really - like $700.00) and the bills keep coming! Not to mention that I have to find a new job in May. I might even have to find two jobs to cover all my monthly expenses(rent, utilities, car, gas, etc). As soon as I get my financial aid I am going to pay off alot of stuff and get myself out of this shit hole that I'm in.

Every day I am checking that mailbox, hoping, wishing that my financial aid check (& scholarship money) have arrived. But, nothing but bills so far!

Fmylife.

I don't know....

I am pretty sure at this point in my life I don't want to start a relationship with someone.

Relationships take to much time and energy. After a while they are just no fun.

or....maybe that just applies to me and all my past relationships.

I dont know.
I suck.

I love to hang out with my friends so I guess its not a complete loss....
Makes me wonder though...why do we seek relationships?
Do we fear loss?
Do we need someone who can focus on us and tell us how special we are?

Isn't that what friends are for? Other than our physiological needs, do we really need someone else?

I am back!

Wow! I haven't written anything in a long time I can't believe it.

My life has been so ...oh what's the word...unexpected.
So much has happened I am not sure where to start...

I was reading through some of my old posts and realized how childish they must of made me sound.
So yes, I deleted them. I know, I know...but in a way its almost symbolic. It feels like I let go of the old me because I finally feel like I have found a new way to think about the world and my place in it.

College has proven to be an amazing experience. I didn't think I would be happy with my community college life, but I realized that it was probably for the best. Don't get the wrong idea, I haven't been partying or anything like that. Mostly its been work, school, sleep, and the occasional hang out with some old friends.

I know it seems like a dull life but I probably wouldn't want it any other way.

I am completely independent and I am loving it. I work for myself, and I am working toward something better.