Crazy Roommate Confrontations

So it seems to have happened again. Why do I always get roommates who lack critical logic and people skills? The situation: My roommate Juliana let me borrow her skirt in November and I guess my hips caused a rip in one of the seams which I promised I would pay to repair. Two weeks ago I let her borrow my smart-trip card to go pick up her computer in Columbia Heights which is notoriously dangerous area(she was planning to walk at night and I was concerned for her safety). I was slightly offended when returned and didn't offer to reimburse me for the usage but I didn't really say anything about it. (I wouldn't have taken the money had she offered :0) So when she sought payment for the repair to her skirt that she sent for repair yesterday (how many months later???)I asked if we could subtract from the amount she used on my smart trip card (which was only $3?!) She told me I should have told her I wanted her to pay me back since I supposedly knew she was trying to save money. When I tried to explain to her my point of view and my feelings about it (that it was a big mis-communication) she wouldn't let me speak and yelled at me - repeating over and over again that I should have told her and proceeded to talk over me when I tried to explain myself. My housemate Eryn heard the entire conversation and came into the room stating that we should both hear each other out (which I agreed to) and proceeded to let Juliana explain her feelings letting her know that I would hear her out. Her response to me was that she had nothing to say and needed to cool down. So, I left her alone for the rest of the night. This morning, she came up to me and told me to call her mother to talk about payment for the skirt. I told her that I wouldn't, that this situation was between me and her and that her mother had nothing to do with it. I also said it was immature for her to ask her mother to talk to me instead of her doing it herself. So, Juliana called her mother, put her on speaker phone and attempted to force me to talk to her - which I refused. I tried to explain to the mother that this disagreement was between Juliana and I, and for us to try and resolve and her mother kept trying to explain to me how immature I was being?? The mother, realizing that I had stopped listening to her began to use racial/sexist slurs at me (which Eryn heard). Eryn, Kat and I had gone to the counselor a couple weeks ago so that we could figure out a way to communicate with Juliana since she exhibited a lot of anti-social behavior towards us. It was decided that since I knew her the longest I should be liaison between her and my other housemates in regards to apartment chores and split payments. (like asking her if she could chip in for apartment toilet paper, paper towels, dish soap - taking turns taking out the trash, etc) It was through these "house chore/split" explanations that I believe Juliana began to resent me for. I tried repeatedly to have an adult, one on one conversation to her so as to not have any resentment or animosity, but she rejected all my attempts. Thank goodness that my roommate Eryn witnessed the whole thing or else I would be in big trouble since Juliana exaggerated what supposedly happened to her mother who then called the resident adviser about my behavior? (wtf???) So at least I have a witness that I attempted to handle the situation as maturely as I could. What I learned: Its bad parenting when you enable your children and not allow them to grow up and fight their own battles!!!

3 more months at UCLA!

I am counting down the last few days of my time here at UCLA and I am both excited and scared :0

Luckily I managed to grab a job for after I graduate :)
I am going to be a teacher! I was accepted into the Teach for America program which is a two year commitment. I will get money for moving to anywhere they send me, full salary and benefits as well as grant money that I could use toward a masters degree in education.I am thinking I am going to do this for two years then start the graduate school process.

Also,I decided that I didn't want to be a lawyer - I will still go to law school, maybe even take the bar but I wont be an active attorney. I would rather spend my time working on issues related to people of color. Which is why I now plan to get my JD and a Ph. D in ethnic,Chicana/o studies or American studies. I have already started on some research that I hope to turn into a dissertation once I am ready for that next step. It has to do with education of historically marginalized groups so I my time with Teach for America will give me some good real world work to add to my research.

March 25 I am heading to Washington, D.C! Going to take some classes there and do an internship. Then I am going to return about a week before graduation and...well...graduate from UCLA!

Its hard for me to believe that I am actually going to accomplish a long awaited goal for me. I am going to be the first in my family to graduate from a university.

I am hoping that i can be a good role model for my little sisters who are currently wondering what to do with their lives. My brother already chose the military, and my other sister decided she wanted to be medical assistant. I have big issues with the fact that my little brother and older sister both took the easy way out but that's what I will be looking at with my research...sort of. I will be looking at how priorities are set within communities of color and how they are indoctrinated to believe that they must make money as fast as possible instead of going to college for a degree. I guess that mentality comes with living in capitalist system, but what else could explain the high rates of Latina/os and African Americans not going to college?

I am getting off topic again, haha
I think its because a lot of my friends have ADD and dyslexia. Their tendencies are rubbing off on me!!!

Anyway, its my last 3 months on the UCLA campus and bam! Done with my undergrad...ugh.

I need friends!

So I am single again! Well, actually, I have been single since April and so far it has been great.

There are high and lows, I will admit. It’s great to be able to do anything you want to without feeling guilty (not that I have done anything super extraordinary, but it is nice that I have the choice :P)

I like having time for myself, to sit by myself, to do what I want in the comfort of my own space. The only problem is that I hate going places alone, or eating out in public alone. I wish I wasn’t so afraid to just be somewhere else by myself. I bug my friends all the time to spend time with me, just so I can go outside and do something different, but for some reason I am usually the only one who has the need to explore. It is kind of sad.

I think the worst part is that I spend waaayyy to much time with my ex boyfriend. We are friends still, and business partners, but he is the only one who seems to want to hang out and do cool stuff. It is probably because I am the only friend of his who lives in the Southbay not too far away from his house. I have to see him for work Wednesday and Saturdays so I am kind of tired of spending so much time with him, especially since people assume we are still together, but we are not. I have no romantic feelings toward him what so ever, which is sad cause he is a nice guy and all – I hope he finds someone cool soon.

I need more friends. Friends that don’t have kids (my best friend Kim is pretty awesome to hang with, but she lives so far away  and she has to work around her kids schedules), friends who are not my ex boyfriends, and people who don’t know the old me. I have changed, but when other people don’t change, things get awkward :0
Great, I realized I have two problems: I need to learn to be comfortable by myself in public and make new friends. What a dilemma :0

I am not so good at making new friends out of the blue. I think it is because I can be kind of intimidating (sometimes bitchy), and perhaps to serious for my own good. And when good looking people talk to me, I start to act retarded. So I can’t have attractive friends either, that would just be too much work. Oh hell. I am screwed. I just want to get along with anyone and chill. Why can’t I be normal and do that??? It is probably because I am use to having boyfriends. I am glad I stopped that whole business. Boyfriends are too much work; I just want friends that are boys!! And Girls too of course. Not “girlfriends” but girls that are friends.

I want friends dammit!

I should just start talking to random people and not care…..ahhhh its easier said than done :0

I had a best friend once :'(

These past 6 months have caused me to do a lot of thinking after finding out a lot of truths.

I have found out the facts about the situation between me, my boyfriend and my best friend.

I found out that my best friend cheated on her boyfriend with my boyfriend before we became official. Not only that, but she had been using my boyfriend by having him pay for things for her and do her homework assignments, final exams, etc.
My boyfriends is a nice guy, who hasn't really been lucky in the female department - you could say he was kind of desperate, even glad to be getting attention from her, even if he was just being used. (This is why I can kind of see where he is coming from)But, he was honest to me about it, told me everything. She, however, just tried to get me away from him, and even lied to me every step of the way, not knowing that I already knew the truth.

I also found out that when he and I started showing genuine interest in each other, she deliberately tried to sabotage us. She told my boyfriend that I had slept around a lot and that my family wouldn't like him because they are a bunch of racist crooks. She had told me that he was a player, and a nerdy nobody that couldn't be trusted.

Obviously this was upsetting news.

I was willing to overlook the fact that they had a thing before my boyfriend and I liked each other, but the fact that my best friend would say lies about me and treat me like shit over it - I realized that she is a manipulating selfish bitch that only cares about herself.I cant look at my best friend the same way again.


Its like I am seeing her for the first time. Looking back, I can remember all the times she had tried to manipulate me, and I would also remember all the times her manipulating had worked. I loved her so much, she was really special to me - but to do what she did, the way she did it - I can't trust her.

When I go back to UCLA, I am going to exclude her from my life completely. I don't need people in my life who lie, cheat, and are selfish.

But,

I must say, I do sometimes wish that she had done things differently and had not cheated on her boyfriend or said those things about me. At least then we could have still been friends. I miss my best friend sometimes, but I would rather live in reality than in a fantasy.

Old news is bad news

After two months of being in the best relationship I have ever been in I get a freaken text from the ex.

He asked me if there was any chance that we could be friends. Me being the idiot that I am said "maybe". Eventually I told him that it was easier for me to just start ignoring him and thats when I did stupid thing number 2 - I told him "I will always love you, but we were not meant to be." and he took it as - "I love you, lets get back together." SO by telling him we were never gonna happen I gave him hope that something was going to happen 0_0 wtf? A text fight ensued.

But to be honest, I have been a little bothered. I noticed he also has a new person in his life and that bothers me. I will admit, I am jealous of this new girl - irritated by the fact that she is being treated the way I had always wanted to be treated.

I was told by my ex that I was fat, and so he was too embarrassed to take me with him to hang out with friends. So what did I do? I stayed with the bastard, started working out like crazy and lost 50 pounds. But that still wasn't enough for him.

I wanted to spend time together, go places, would of liked small surprises like flowers for finishing finals, or a small present here or there. But what did I get from the entire relationship? Commentary on how I just wasn't good enough for him. I invested time, energy, loads of money into a dead relationship. I finally just gave him an ultimatum - he can be in the relationship with me 100 percent or we end it. He told me he couldn't - so I left.

This new girl is fat(fatter than I was), uglier than me (and I am not just saying that, she really is fugly)and she gets all the fun little gifts. She also gets to go places, hang out with his friends even..

In our text fight he was telling me how even though he was with this girl he was still unhappy - he made a mistake, that I was the one for him, and that he was willing to treat me way better than the way he treats his new girl. YEAH RIGHT!

I have thought about it and decided that my jealousy is irrational. I may have feelings left over but not enough to where I would drop what I have now to go back with that jackass.

My new guy makes me very happy :)
He has done nothing but make my life easier to manage since we started seeing each other.

I am gonna do my best to enjoy my new and improved life with an amazing person :)

Searching for the Truth

There are two sides to every story.

The problem is trying to put the pieces together when people exaggerate the facts or conveniently leave others out.

Its only when you find out who hasn't been upfront about things from the beginning that the pieces begin to fit.

I am finding out a lot of things. Its all swirling in my head. I am at a point in my life where people, things, everything, and everyone I thought I knew is turning out to be wrong.

wtf happened?

The worst news imagineable :(

This week was starting to be one of the best of my life. I would have never thought that just yesterday it could turn out to be one of the worst.

I had won 2 scholarships, I am in Mountain View with the most wonderful boyfriend I ever had - things were turning out to be really amazing.

Then I got a call from my sister telling me that my dad, who has been battling liver cancer since his diagnosis 6 months ago is in the final month of his life.

When I heard the news, the one thing I really wanted to do was just break down and cry - but I have too many things to take care of.

I am not going to go to school this week while I figure things out.
I think I am going to drop one of or all of my classes this quarter and just move home.

I am gonna spend the week figuring it out. I am just glad that I have someone to help me get through this.

Complications -but so far so good...

So, he and I are officially a couple.

He actually came to visit me this past weekend, which was very fun :)
So far we have managed to talk a lot. As far as I know, we have both been pretty honest and understanding with each other (I can only speak for myself of course) and our relationship is blooming nicely :)

I am really happy. I don't feel as stressed or depressed as I used to, which is a good thing for sure.
My boss and everyone keep asking me why I am so happy and smiling a lot. I guess I never realized how I didn't really smile much before.

This weekend I will be going to Monterey Bay for the first time with him and his mom :0
I like his mom, she is really sweet and talkative (I am usually not much of a talker, so this works out :)

Now for the complication...So I said before that I met him through my best friend. Something that I have found out is that 5 years ago they used to date (it wasn't even official really, it was like an ambiguous relationship). Now, surprisingly that fact doesn't bother me at all. And I pretty much consider it the past. I mean, she is my best friend so I am not going to hold it against her or him - its dumb to.

But to my surprise, my friend is the one who had a problem with us dating. And I thought it was because he did something to her before - but it turns out that its actually because she likes him still, even though she is already in a committed relationship with someone else.

He already made it clear to her that as long as he and I are in a relationship he can't even see her that way anymore. Then she promised me that she would try to accept me dating him.

Since then she hasn't really spoken to me, she rarely replies to my texts, she acts differently now and she is obviously depressed. I am not sure what to do. I love her so much, more than anyone else. I don't want this weird situation to get in the way of our friendship. I am really hoping that she will get over it and accept the situation for what it is.

I really just want my best friend back :(
I am wondering if I should just stop seeing him, but I really don't want to - I finally found something really special.

For now I will just hope that in time it will get better for us. Hopefully it all works out...

A nice surprise - or maybe too good to be true?

As per usual, this blog is about a guy, haha but I have to get my thoughts out of my head and onto something.

So...
There is this guy I recently met through my best friend.

He and I have actually gotten pretty close, really quickly.
Its bizarre but we have similar interest, we think similarly, and we have even completed each others thoughts before.

Its really weird that I have only known him about a week and a half, but its feels much longer. Sometimes when we are talking its like I am talking to myself - myself conscious or something. I stayed up and talked to him for 5 hours straight on two separate occasions without even noticing how fast the time was flying.

I am not sure what to do, we have already shown interest in each other as well, but I am afraid that he is going to somehow get the wrong idea about me or something and leave.

After being with my ex, I am a little unstable. Unstable in the sense that I am insecure about myself. And he seems to be understanding of that. He tells me things about my fears that are true even though I haven't said anything - and he wants to help me be more secure about myself and him.

This guys is really unbelieveable. In a good way I guess..
Maybe he is just wiser because of his age, and his experiences ..(he is a graduate student at UCSD - in electrical engineering..)

If this does go anywhere (and I hope it does) I really don't want to screw it up.
I just have to be careful not to overreact or let the small stuff get to me and just keep going....

Wish me luck!:0

Compromise and my complete 180 :0

I decided to take the compromise and take 6 months at UCSD.

I want to see what I have been missing out on. Having spent more time on the campus I feel like I haven't really missed much, but its an outsiders perspective - so I should still give it a shot. Plus, the 60 non refundable fee is helping me follow through. :P

As for my new years resolution of losing 20 pounds...:) success!
Now I have a new goal to lose 15 more pounds and I will be set for life!!
I am completely health conscious now, I cut out most junk food, I eat healthier alternatives whenever possible, and I exercise 3- 4 times per week.

I got to be more strict on myself to lose the last 15 though, cause its already been 3 months and I haven't been able to get any lower :( I also need to find a gym in SD so that I can up my exercise to 5-6 times per week.

There is a lot to figure out, and I just have to get my head around it....
Hopefully everything goes the way I want it!!

:0

Options..

I love UCLA.
Its everything I could ask for in a school with just one big problem. It is located in LA. :(

Last quarter I felt really empty. I didn't have the support system that I had during my community college days. I had more free time than ever - but all it did was make me realize how empty my life had become. I have friends here, but I haven't really gotten close to anyone.

Another thing is that I found out my Dad has cancer. I hate that I don't get to see him that much. Especially when there might not be that much time left. And I miss seeing my grandma.

The organization I put so much time and effort into the past 3 years is crumbling. Its heart breaking, especially when it was so important to John (my cool boss who passed away last year) I feel so distant from everything that was important to me.

I am also having trouble keeping up with my expenses like my car, braces, rent, utilities. I am actually in debt right now. Sometimes I go without eating. Everything is so expensive here!

Life would just be easier if I was back in San Diego.

Possible solutions:
Quit school for a year and a half starting after this quarter and apply for admission for next Winter/Fall to UCSD. If I don't get accepted I can come back to UCLA and finish (but I wouldn't be able to go to a UC during that time...)

Take the spring quarter off- take summer and fall quarter at UCSD and then come back to UCLA during winter to finish.

Or, Suck it up and just finish the next two years here...

Either way, I can come back to UCLA. The question is do I want to take the year off and wait to transfer(if I get to transfer) for good or take the compromise....


I don't know...
I have a few weeks to think about it...

The compromise sounds nice...and I could come back for 6 months and get my degree from here...

hmm...I guess I have a lot to think about.

Conflicted

I know what I am suppose to do. I new before I did anything what I was in for and sure enough all of my expectations have been realized.

Am I that desperate that I am compromising myself in order to keep these few moments of happiness?

I guess so. Eventually something is going to wake me up, and get me out of it. Maybe there is a chance that things will get better once I am able to accomplish my goals. But if not, I am sure I will figure something out.

Here's to hope I guess...

Realization.

There is something about me that I don't like.

Something that has plagued me for a while now.
I am fat, ugly. This is what I wanted since I was 9 years old.
YES - I WANTED THIS.

Since I was little I was molested on two separate occasions by two different, much older men. I decided that there was something about me that attracted this kind of evil and my solution was turning into something that no one would want.

And, I succeeded, aside from a few incidents along the way. I have punished myself for far too long for something that I now realize was never my fault to begin with.

I need to give myself the life I should of had before all the crap fell into it. And that is what I am going to do.

I want something. I really want something. I have never wanted it so bad in my life. I feel it in my bones. I have to have it.The only way I can get it is if I finally let my self be the way I always wanted to be.

This journey starts now.

So perhaps not so unexpected. 0_o

So, I gave my ex a shot!!!

And its definitely not gonna work. =O

I realized though, that I really need to work on myself.
There are things about myself that I don't like that are limiting my ability to see past this person. I know it to, but I guess I just wanted to try the easy way.

I am sure there is someone out there who is the perfect match for me, I just got to fix the part of me that makes me afraid to take the chance.

Also, everything so far has been a hit and miss. I shouldn't let these things bring me down but make me stronger.

Anyways, my new grandmaster plan is to have as much fun as I possibly can! I wish I knew people in San Diego who liked to party =( All my party friends are in LA...

Also in the plan ---> Get FIT!!!!! I got a 20Ib goal staring me in the face!!!!!

Ladies and Gents I think we have ourselves a New Years resolution!!=)

The Ex, but maybe not for long 0_0??

Its been a whole year since I broke up with my ex-boyfriend.

And, it didn't occur to me until my drunken episode how much I miss the guy. I mean if you think about it, I haven't been in a single relationship since then. I haven't even gone on a date. Granted, I did tell someone that I liked them, but I don't think I was really interested in that person (just lookin for a rebound)...

So, I decided I would call my ex to see how he is doing and we ended up talking for more than an hour (I had to cut it short cause I needed to work on a paper)
We decided to meet up after finals when I go back to San Diego. He hinted a few times that he wanted to get back together with me (he hadn't been interested in anyone either)

I don't think I made a mistake in breaking up a year ago. There were some things that we both needed to do for ourselves but I guess I should at least give him a trail run. Just to see if he has changed at all.

If he is gonna be the way he was, I don't need the drama. I will definitely let him loose for good. Besides, I am going to Europe this summer, and I plan to study abroad for a year and spend a quarter in Washington D.C. If he can't be OK with that, then goodbye to him!

I guess I will see how it goes, but so far, its alright....Just don't be surprised if I am still single by the end of the holiday break. =O

21 and Drunk

For the first time ever, last Saturday I got really drunk.

Totally wasted. And, unfortunately I remember everything.0_0

As soon as I crossed the line from tipsy to drunk, I was crying and yelling about how I wish that regular people didn't have to suffer, or how I didn't want to go back to LA because I felt lonely.

Basically everything that I kept inside for the past couple of months came out. And I am sure I looked like a complete idiot.

Whats worse is that I thought I was with someone who I could trust to take care of me if I went over the line. Unfortunately, I was severely disappointed.

There are many things I learned Saturday night.
1) Never mix beer and liquor cause then you are just asking for trouble.
2)You should drink water before you go to sleep after drinking so that you don't get a hangover
3)Do not drink water after waking up from a night of drinking because it will just make it worse!
4) Never get drunk around someone who has a thing for you because they might take advantage

Trust me, I learned all of these things the hard way =(

Never Get into a Fight with a mother - You always lose.

So, our toilet is clogged.

Someone had been putting toilet paper in the toilet and it wasn't me or my roommate Kim. The only person it could of been was the other roommate.

Now, this same person told me that my hair was all over the floor and that it wasn't Kims or hers because my hair is short. So, of course I took responsibility and said I would be more careful and make sure to clean up after myself.

So, I thought that when I would mention the toilet incident that she would react the same way - take responsibility, fix the toilet etc.

Well...that didn't happen. She got all "Why do you always tell me what I am doing wrong when ever I come home?" In my face and started yelling at me out of nowhere.
And then she started saying "Well how do you know it was me, how did you know you didn't do it by mistake?" yadayadayda.

So, anyone who knows me knows that I don't fuck around, if someone gets into my face, I get right back. So a huge argument ensued, I tried to explain to her that it wasn't us (me and kim) that did it. I even went as far as to say that I didn't mean to say it the way I said it (which I wasn't aggressive in any way I just mentioned that the toilet was clogged and to be careful the next time she went in there to use it before she said "And you think I did it?" - which is a weird response to a warning??) but she still continued to yell at me and give me attitude.

Well, near the end of the argument I walked away and she said "Fuck you" and then I said "I am tired of hearing you, get the fuck out of here and go home to your kid!" And that's when my other roommates ganged up on me and was like, "You went to far RoseAnita."

You see, roommate number 3 has a kid, and so she is never at the apartment because she is always at her moms house. She really only comes to the apartment to change her cloths, shower, etc. (which I think is stupid because she is paying rent to be at the apartment when she could be at home with her mom, for free, and with her kid)

And, every time she comes home she leaves a mess that I usually end up cleaning up. Makeup all over the counter, hair all over the floor (not my hair this time,cause I sweep after I brush my hair in the bathroom) and now the toilet.

She also owes me money for utilities which she still needs to pay me (hence the reason why she said why I always tell her what shes doing wrong)

Now, I know that I was wrong in saying some things, and I could of approached the entire situation better. Bottom line, I should of been the better man and let her look like an idiot for over reacting. But something just comes over me when I get angry that I just hit below the belt.

But, I really think that if she were on top of her shit, then I wouldn't have to ask her when she is going to pay her share of the bills (since the utilities are in my name) and I wouldn't have to tell her about all the messes she makes, etc.

Anyway, now I am the bad guy in the house because of what I said about her needing to go take care of her kid.

So, as much as I don't want to (because I feel that I was the only one who was in the wrong) I am going to apologize to her.

Damn. Who knew living with other people could be so political >.<

Weird. Word. Dreaming.

I had the weirdest dream the other day.

I was in the hospital and the doctor was going to give me a shot. He explained to me that the shot would put me to sleep so that I wouldn't feel the pain before it was time for me to pass away.

I started to freak out because I didn't want to die. I pleaded with him, "Why can't I do chemotherapy, isn't there another way I can fight this?"

All he would say was "Its too late."

And I remember (as I was struggling to get away from him and that shot that would put me to sleep) thinking of what an idiot I was for trying alternative medicine instead of using western medicine when I had the chance. 0_0

Obviously, in this dream I had cancer (what kind I do not know).
And I remember this unbelievable amount of fear that I was in. I didn't want to go to sleep when I didn't even feel sick or in pain. I wanted to live through the few precious moments that I had left. But most importantly, I didn't want to die.

And as I slowly began to feel weaker, and my eyes became heavier, I realized that the doctor was right.

It was too late.
The world went black.

----And that is when I woke up in a cold sweat.----

What a weird dream.0_0

Emo moment over! Thank goodness!=)

Ahh, yes. I have been feeling a whole lot better these past few weeks. There is nothing like a first week of school freak out to get the school year started!

I have decided that I am going to become either A-sexual or lesbian. Not forever. Just for a couple years.

I think that a stint away from men in general would get me in the right place.We shall see how long I am able to make it! But, at the rate I am going I have a good chance of keeping my deadline.

I am just gonna focus on work, school, and having as much fun as I can possibly get into!

=)

*raises glass in the air* Here is to tomorrow!

Cheers. =)

Numb.

I feel like I have been punched in the stomach.
Like that initial feeling of just being punched won't go away.

Its hard to breathe.
My emotions are numb.

I don't know if I want to cry.
scream,
run,
float away.

Its hard to decide.

I hate everything.
Nothing can make me happy anymore.

Why can't I just be the way I was before all this mess?