Crash and burn

Right now I feel like my entire body is ready to just give up.

I am so stressed right now its unbelievable.
As I write this blog, I can feel the tears coming down my cheek, but I know that now is not the time to crash and burn.

I have so much work to do, and so much to think about.

I feel like my whole world is crumbling again. I don't know what to do.
I got accepted to UCLA, and I am just so confused right now. I have mixed feelings about it and I feel like I am being pulled in two directions and I don't know what to do.

I really can't explain how I am feeling to anyone because I know I will only receive bias explanations and answers and it will only make me more confused.

I just wish that I hadn't worked from 7am-6pm today, and I wish that those damn assignments were not due tomorrow, and that the stupid political science exam was on Thursday instead of tomorrow and that I didn't have to make major decisions for my future by Friday! Oh did I mention that the golf tournament I have been working on for months also just happens to be this Friday? Yeah, my life feels pretty shitty right now.

All this shit wont disappear.

Its times like these that I feel as though maybe a fresh start in life isn't such a bad idea.

Joy ride

Last Saturday I went to Little Tokyo in Los Angeles with my two best friends.

It was funny, because we had made the trip to L.A. specifically to visit UCLA.

Yeah...we never made it there.

I wanted to visit UCLA because I am not sure if I really want to settle for UCSD. When I walk around UCSD it makes me feel like I am in prison or something. UCSD is so gray, and ugly. Barely any color. I am not sure if I am going to be able to function there.

So...as I wait for my letter of acceptance (or denial) from UCLA, I figured it would be a good idea to visit the campus. Plus, it would be fun to tour L.A.

We had planned the entire day, we would go to Little Tokyo, China Town, THEN to UCLA and make it back in time for dinner. =)

Well, we arrived at Little Tokyo at 10AM...and...we got hooked! Little Tokyo was so much fun that it was really hard to leave. Plus, we had paid $6.50 for parking the entire day...so we being so cheap decided to just head home after Little Tokyo.

But! on the bright side, this means we will be making another trip up north to visit China Town, and UCLA.

I am looking forward to it ^_^

Accepted

So, I got my acceptance letter to UCSD a couple days ago....

For some reason I am not as happy as I thought I would be. I mean I have been working to transfer to this university for two years. Most people who want to transfer have been in community college for 3 years and above preparing. I really worked my ass off to get that acceptance.

Dammit.

Maybe its because I am really stressed out right now. My stupid financial aid hasn't shown up yet and I am in major debt. (Not really - like $700.00) and the bills keep coming! Not to mention that I have to find a new job in May. I might even have to find two jobs to cover all my monthly expenses(rent, utilities, car, gas, etc). As soon as I get my financial aid I am going to pay off alot of stuff and get myself out of this shit hole that I'm in.

Every day I am checking that mailbox, hoping, wishing that my financial aid check (& scholarship money) have arrived. But, nothing but bills so far!

Fmylife.

I don't know....

I am pretty sure at this point in my life I don't want to start a relationship with someone.

Relationships take to much time and energy. After a while they are just no fun.

or....maybe that just applies to me and all my past relationships.

I dont know.
I suck.

I love to hang out with my friends so I guess its not a complete loss....
Makes me wonder though...why do we seek relationships?
Do we fear loss?
Do we need someone who can focus on us and tell us how special we are?

Isn't that what friends are for? Other than our physiological needs, do we really need someone else?

I am back!

Wow! I haven't written anything in a long time I can't believe it.

My life has been so ...oh what's the word...unexpected.
So much has happened I am not sure where to start...

I was reading through some of my old posts and realized how childish they must of made me sound.
So yes, I deleted them. I know, I know...but in a way its almost symbolic. It feels like I let go of the old me because I finally feel like I have found a new way to think about the world and my place in it.

College has proven to be an amazing experience. I didn't think I would be happy with my community college life, but I realized that it was probably for the best. Don't get the wrong idea, I haven't been partying or anything like that. Mostly its been work, school, sleep, and the occasional hang out with some old friends.

I know it seems like a dull life but I probably wouldn't want it any other way.

I am completely independent and I am loving it. I work for myself, and I am working toward something better.

Word.0_0

I am trying, unsucessfully, to figure out what it is that I want to do with my life.

I dont quite understand how it is that my life ended up the way it is now. Just 11 months earlier I was sure that I had everything figured out.

However, 11 months ago, I was still a high school student; still someone who believed that the best place to be, was at a university; that I could be in love forever with one person; and that I could keep the people who I love close.

it just occurred to me, how wrong I was to think that way.

Sometimes I get the feeling that trying to prepare for the future, or trying to predict an outcome will in the end, only bringing more heartache and disappointment.

I guess what I need to do is just take things as they come, and except all the good and bad, and continue to go in the direction the universe has decided I should go.

Maybe then, things will turn out better for me, and I will be happier with the outcome.....