Conflicted

I know what I am suppose to do. I new before I did anything what I was in for and sure enough all of my expectations have been realized.

Am I that desperate that I am compromising myself in order to keep these few moments of happiness?

I guess so. Eventually something is going to wake me up, and get me out of it. Maybe there is a chance that things will get better once I am able to accomplish my goals. But if not, I am sure I will figure something out.

Here's to hope I guess...

Realization.

There is something about me that I don't like.

Something that has plagued me for a while now.
I am fat, ugly. This is what I wanted since I was 9 years old.
YES - I WANTED THIS.

Since I was little I was molested on two separate occasions by two different, much older men. I decided that there was something about me that attracted this kind of evil and my solution was turning into something that no one would want.

And, I succeeded, aside from a few incidents along the way. I have punished myself for far too long for something that I now realize was never my fault to begin with.

I need to give myself the life I should of had before all the crap fell into it. And that is what I am going to do.

I want something. I really want something. I have never wanted it so bad in my life. I feel it in my bones. I have to have it.The only way I can get it is if I finally let my self be the way I always wanted to be.

This journey starts now.

So perhaps not so unexpected. 0_o

So, I gave my ex a shot!!!

And its definitely not gonna work. =O

I realized though, that I really need to work on myself.
There are things about myself that I don't like that are limiting my ability to see past this person. I know it to, but I guess I just wanted to try the easy way.

I am sure there is someone out there who is the perfect match for me, I just got to fix the part of me that makes me afraid to take the chance.

Also, everything so far has been a hit and miss. I shouldn't let these things bring me down but make me stronger.

Anyways, my new grandmaster plan is to have as much fun as I possibly can! I wish I knew people in San Diego who liked to party =( All my party friends are in LA...

Also in the plan ---> Get FIT!!!!! I got a 20Ib goal staring me in the face!!!!!

Ladies and Gents I think we have ourselves a New Years resolution!!=)

The Ex, but maybe not for long 0_0??

Its been a whole year since I broke up with my ex-boyfriend.

And, it didn't occur to me until my drunken episode how much I miss the guy. I mean if you think about it, I haven't been in a single relationship since then. I haven't even gone on a date. Granted, I did tell someone that I liked them, but I don't think I was really interested in that person (just lookin for a rebound)...

So, I decided I would call my ex to see how he is doing and we ended up talking for more than an hour (I had to cut it short cause I needed to work on a paper)
We decided to meet up after finals when I go back to San Diego. He hinted a few times that he wanted to get back together with me (he hadn't been interested in anyone either)

I don't think I made a mistake in breaking up a year ago. There were some things that we both needed to do for ourselves but I guess I should at least give him a trail run. Just to see if he has changed at all.

If he is gonna be the way he was, I don't need the drama. I will definitely let him loose for good. Besides, I am going to Europe this summer, and I plan to study abroad for a year and spend a quarter in Washington D.C. If he can't be OK with that, then goodbye to him!

I guess I will see how it goes, but so far, its alright....Just don't be surprised if I am still single by the end of the holiday break. =O

21 and Drunk

For the first time ever, last Saturday I got really drunk.

Totally wasted. And, unfortunately I remember everything.0_0

As soon as I crossed the line from tipsy to drunk, I was crying and yelling about how I wish that regular people didn't have to suffer, or how I didn't want to go back to LA because I felt lonely.

Basically everything that I kept inside for the past couple of months came out. And I am sure I looked like a complete idiot.

Whats worse is that I thought I was with someone who I could trust to take care of me if I went over the line. Unfortunately, I was severely disappointed.

There are many things I learned Saturday night.
1) Never mix beer and liquor cause then you are just asking for trouble.
2)You should drink water before you go to sleep after drinking so that you don't get a hangover
3)Do not drink water after waking up from a night of drinking because it will just make it worse!
4) Never get drunk around someone who has a thing for you because they might take advantage

Trust me, I learned all of these things the hard way =(

Never Get into a Fight with a mother - You always lose.

So, our toilet is clogged.

Someone had been putting toilet paper in the toilet and it wasn't me or my roommate Kim. The only person it could of been was the other roommate.

Now, this same person told me that my hair was all over the floor and that it wasn't Kims or hers because my hair is short. So, of course I took responsibility and said I would be more careful and make sure to clean up after myself.

So, I thought that when I would mention the toilet incident that she would react the same way - take responsibility, fix the toilet etc.

Well...that didn't happen. She got all "Why do you always tell me what I am doing wrong when ever I come home?" In my face and started yelling at me out of nowhere.
And then she started saying "Well how do you know it was me, how did you know you didn't do it by mistake?" yadayadayda.

So, anyone who knows me knows that I don't fuck around, if someone gets into my face, I get right back. So a huge argument ensued, I tried to explain to her that it wasn't us (me and kim) that did it. I even went as far as to say that I didn't mean to say it the way I said it (which I wasn't aggressive in any way I just mentioned that the toilet was clogged and to be careful the next time she went in there to use it before she said "And you think I did it?" - which is a weird response to a warning??) but she still continued to yell at me and give me attitude.

Well, near the end of the argument I walked away and she said "Fuck you" and then I said "I am tired of hearing you, get the fuck out of here and go home to your kid!" And that's when my other roommates ganged up on me and was like, "You went to far RoseAnita."

You see, roommate number 3 has a kid, and so she is never at the apartment because she is always at her moms house. She really only comes to the apartment to change her cloths, shower, etc. (which I think is stupid because she is paying rent to be at the apartment when she could be at home with her mom, for free, and with her kid)

And, every time she comes home she leaves a mess that I usually end up cleaning up. Makeup all over the counter, hair all over the floor (not my hair this time,cause I sweep after I brush my hair in the bathroom) and now the toilet.

She also owes me money for utilities which she still needs to pay me (hence the reason why she said why I always tell her what shes doing wrong)

Now, I know that I was wrong in saying some things, and I could of approached the entire situation better. Bottom line, I should of been the better man and let her look like an idiot for over reacting. But something just comes over me when I get angry that I just hit below the belt.

But, I really think that if she were on top of her shit, then I wouldn't have to ask her when she is going to pay her share of the bills (since the utilities are in my name) and I wouldn't have to tell her about all the messes she makes, etc.

Anyway, now I am the bad guy in the house because of what I said about her needing to go take care of her kid.

So, as much as I don't want to (because I feel that I was the only one who was in the wrong) I am going to apologize to her.

Damn. Who knew living with other people could be so political >.<

Weird. Word. Dreaming.

I had the weirdest dream the other day.

I was in the hospital and the doctor was going to give me a shot. He explained to me that the shot would put me to sleep so that I wouldn't feel the pain before it was time for me to pass away.

I started to freak out because I didn't want to die. I pleaded with him, "Why can't I do chemotherapy, isn't there another way I can fight this?"

All he would say was "Its too late."

And I remember (as I was struggling to get away from him and that shot that would put me to sleep) thinking of what an idiot I was for trying alternative medicine instead of using western medicine when I had the chance. 0_0

Obviously, in this dream I had cancer (what kind I do not know).
And I remember this unbelievable amount of fear that I was in. I didn't want to go to sleep when I didn't even feel sick or in pain. I wanted to live through the few precious moments that I had left. But most importantly, I didn't want to die.

And as I slowly began to feel weaker, and my eyes became heavier, I realized that the doctor was right.

It was too late.
The world went black.

----And that is when I woke up in a cold sweat.----

What a weird dream.0_0