Complications -but so far so good...

So, he and I are officially a couple.

He actually came to visit me this past weekend, which was very fun :)
So far we have managed to talk a lot. As far as I know, we have both been pretty honest and understanding with each other (I can only speak for myself of course) and our relationship is blooming nicely :)

I am really happy. I don't feel as stressed or depressed as I used to, which is a good thing for sure.
My boss and everyone keep asking me why I am so happy and smiling a lot. I guess I never realized how I didn't really smile much before.

This weekend I will be going to Monterey Bay for the first time with him and his mom :0
I like his mom, she is really sweet and talkative (I am usually not much of a talker, so this works out :)

Now for the complication...So I said before that I met him through my best friend. Something that I have found out is that 5 years ago they used to date (it wasn't even official really, it was like an ambiguous relationship). Now, surprisingly that fact doesn't bother me at all. And I pretty much consider it the past. I mean, she is my best friend so I am not going to hold it against her or him - its dumb to.

But to my surprise, my friend is the one who had a problem with us dating. And I thought it was because he did something to her before - but it turns out that its actually because she likes him still, even though she is already in a committed relationship with someone else.

He already made it clear to her that as long as he and I are in a relationship he can't even see her that way anymore. Then she promised me that she would try to accept me dating him.

Since then she hasn't really spoken to me, she rarely replies to my texts, she acts differently now and she is obviously depressed. I am not sure what to do. I love her so much, more than anyone else. I don't want this weird situation to get in the way of our friendship. I am really hoping that she will get over it and accept the situation for what it is.

I really just want my best friend back :(
I am wondering if I should just stop seeing him, but I really don't want to - I finally found something really special.

For now I will just hope that in time it will get better for us. Hopefully it all works out...

A nice surprise - or maybe too good to be true?

As per usual, this blog is about a guy, haha but I have to get my thoughts out of my head and onto something.

So...
There is this guy I recently met through my best friend.

He and I have actually gotten pretty close, really quickly.
Its bizarre but we have similar interest, we think similarly, and we have even completed each others thoughts before.

Its really weird that I have only known him about a week and a half, but its feels much longer. Sometimes when we are talking its like I am talking to myself - myself conscious or something. I stayed up and talked to him for 5 hours straight on two separate occasions without even noticing how fast the time was flying.

I am not sure what to do, we have already shown interest in each other as well, but I am afraid that he is going to somehow get the wrong idea about me or something and leave.

After being with my ex, I am a little unstable. Unstable in the sense that I am insecure about myself. And he seems to be understanding of that. He tells me things about my fears that are true even though I haven't said anything - and he wants to help me be more secure about myself and him.

This guys is really unbelieveable. In a good way I guess..
Maybe he is just wiser because of his age, and his experiences ..(he is a graduate student at UCSD - in electrical engineering..)

If this does go anywhere (and I hope it does) I really don't want to screw it up.
I just have to be careful not to overreact or let the small stuff get to me and just keep going....

Wish me luck!:0

Compromise and my complete 180 :0

I decided to take the compromise and take 6 months at UCSD.

I want to see what I have been missing out on. Having spent more time on the campus I feel like I haven't really missed much, but its an outsiders perspective - so I should still give it a shot. Plus, the 60 non refundable fee is helping me follow through. :P

As for my new years resolution of losing 20 pounds...:) success!
Now I have a new goal to lose 15 more pounds and I will be set for life!!
I am completely health conscious now, I cut out most junk food, I eat healthier alternatives whenever possible, and I exercise 3- 4 times per week.

I got to be more strict on myself to lose the last 15 though, cause its already been 3 months and I haven't been able to get any lower :( I also need to find a gym in SD so that I can up my exercise to 5-6 times per week.

There is a lot to figure out, and I just have to get my head around it....
Hopefully everything goes the way I want it!!

:0

Options..

I love UCLA.
Its everything I could ask for in a school with just one big problem. It is located in LA. :(

Last quarter I felt really empty. I didn't have the support system that I had during my community college days. I had more free time than ever - but all it did was make me realize how empty my life had become. I have friends here, but I haven't really gotten close to anyone.

Another thing is that I found out my Dad has cancer. I hate that I don't get to see him that much. Especially when there might not be that much time left. And I miss seeing my grandma.

The organization I put so much time and effort into the past 3 years is crumbling. Its heart breaking, especially when it was so important to John (my cool boss who passed away last year) I feel so distant from everything that was important to me.

I am also having trouble keeping up with my expenses like my car, braces, rent, utilities. I am actually in debt right now. Sometimes I go without eating. Everything is so expensive here!

Life would just be easier if I was back in San Diego.

Possible solutions:
Quit school for a year and a half starting after this quarter and apply for admission for next Winter/Fall to UCSD. If I don't get accepted I can come back to UCLA and finish (but I wouldn't be able to go to a UC during that time...)

Take the spring quarter off- take summer and fall quarter at UCSD and then come back to UCLA during winter to finish.

Or, Suck it up and just finish the next two years here...

Either way, I can come back to UCLA. The question is do I want to take the year off and wait to transfer(if I get to transfer) for good or take the compromise....


I don't know...
I have a few weeks to think about it...

The compromise sounds nice...and I could come back for 6 months and get my degree from here...

hmm...I guess I have a lot to think about.

Conflicted

I know what I am suppose to do. I new before I did anything what I was in for and sure enough all of my expectations have been realized.

Am I that desperate that I am compromising myself in order to keep these few moments of happiness?

I guess so. Eventually something is going to wake me up, and get me out of it. Maybe there is a chance that things will get better once I am able to accomplish my goals. But if not, I am sure I will figure something out.

Here's to hope I guess...

Realization.

There is something about me that I don't like.

Something that has plagued me for a while now.
I am fat, ugly. This is what I wanted since I was 9 years old.
YES - I WANTED THIS.

Since I was little I was molested on two separate occasions by two different, much older men. I decided that there was something about me that attracted this kind of evil and my solution was turning into something that no one would want.

And, I succeeded, aside from a few incidents along the way. I have punished myself for far too long for something that I now realize was never my fault to begin with.

I need to give myself the life I should of had before all the crap fell into it. And that is what I am going to do.

I want something. I really want something. I have never wanted it so bad in my life. I feel it in my bones. I have to have it.The only way I can get it is if I finally let my self be the way I always wanted to be.

This journey starts now.

So perhaps not so unexpected. 0_o

So, I gave my ex a shot!!!

And its definitely not gonna work. =O

I realized though, that I really need to work on myself.
There are things about myself that I don't like that are limiting my ability to see past this person. I know it to, but I guess I just wanted to try the easy way.

I am sure there is someone out there who is the perfect match for me, I just got to fix the part of me that makes me afraid to take the chance.

Also, everything so far has been a hit and miss. I shouldn't let these things bring me down but make me stronger.

Anyways, my new grandmaster plan is to have as much fun as I possibly can! I wish I knew people in San Diego who liked to party =( All my party friends are in LA...

Also in the plan ---> Get FIT!!!!! I got a 20Ib goal staring me in the face!!!!!

Ladies and Gents I think we have ourselves a New Years resolution!!=)