Compromise and my complete 180 :0

I decided to take the compromise and take 6 months at UCSD.

I want to see what I have been missing out on. Having spent more time on the campus I feel like I haven't really missed much, but its an outsiders perspective - so I should still give it a shot. Plus, the 60 non refundable fee is helping me follow through. :P

As for my new years resolution of losing 20 pounds...:) success!
Now I have a new goal to lose 15 more pounds and I will be set for life!!
I am completely health conscious now, I cut out most junk food, I eat healthier alternatives whenever possible, and I exercise 3- 4 times per week.

I got to be more strict on myself to lose the last 15 though, cause its already been 3 months and I haven't been able to get any lower :( I also need to find a gym in SD so that I can up my exercise to 5-6 times per week.

There is a lot to figure out, and I just have to get my head around it....
Hopefully everything goes the way I want it!!

:0

Options..

I love UCLA.
Its everything I could ask for in a school with just one big problem. It is located in LA. :(

Last quarter I felt really empty. I didn't have the support system that I had during my community college days. I had more free time than ever - but all it did was make me realize how empty my life had become. I have friends here, but I haven't really gotten close to anyone.

Another thing is that I found out my Dad has cancer. I hate that I don't get to see him that much. Especially when there might not be that much time left. And I miss seeing my grandma.

The organization I put so much time and effort into the past 3 years is crumbling. Its heart breaking, especially when it was so important to John (my cool boss who passed away last year) I feel so distant from everything that was important to me.

I am also having trouble keeping up with my expenses like my car, braces, rent, utilities. I am actually in debt right now. Sometimes I go without eating. Everything is so expensive here!

Life would just be easier if I was back in San Diego.

Possible solutions:
Quit school for a year and a half starting after this quarter and apply for admission for next Winter/Fall to UCSD. If I don't get accepted I can come back to UCLA and finish (but I wouldn't be able to go to a UC during that time...)

Take the spring quarter off- take summer and fall quarter at UCSD and then come back to UCLA during winter to finish.

Or, Suck it up and just finish the next two years here...

Either way, I can come back to UCLA. The question is do I want to take the year off and wait to transfer(if I get to transfer) for good or take the compromise....


I don't know...
I have a few weeks to think about it...

The compromise sounds nice...and I could come back for 6 months and get my degree from here...

hmm...I guess I have a lot to think about.

Conflicted

I know what I am suppose to do. I new before I did anything what I was in for and sure enough all of my expectations have been realized.

Am I that desperate that I am compromising myself in order to keep these few moments of happiness?

I guess so. Eventually something is going to wake me up, and get me out of it. Maybe there is a chance that things will get better once I am able to accomplish my goals. But if not, I am sure I will figure something out.

Here's to hope I guess...

Realization.

There is something about me that I don't like.

Something that has plagued me for a while now.
I am fat, ugly. This is what I wanted since I was 9 years old.
YES - I WANTED THIS.

Since I was little I was molested on two separate occasions by two different, much older men. I decided that there was something about me that attracted this kind of evil and my solution was turning into something that no one would want.

And, I succeeded, aside from a few incidents along the way. I have punished myself for far too long for something that I now realize was never my fault to begin with.

I need to give myself the life I should of had before all the crap fell into it. And that is what I am going to do.

I want something. I really want something. I have never wanted it so bad in my life. I feel it in my bones. I have to have it.The only way I can get it is if I finally let my self be the way I always wanted to be.

This journey starts now.

So perhaps not so unexpected. 0_o

So, I gave my ex a shot!!!

And its definitely not gonna work. =O

I realized though, that I really need to work on myself.
There are things about myself that I don't like that are limiting my ability to see past this person. I know it to, but I guess I just wanted to try the easy way.

I am sure there is someone out there who is the perfect match for me, I just got to fix the part of me that makes me afraid to take the chance.

Also, everything so far has been a hit and miss. I shouldn't let these things bring me down but make me stronger.

Anyways, my new grandmaster plan is to have as much fun as I possibly can! I wish I knew people in San Diego who liked to party =( All my party friends are in LA...

Also in the plan ---> Get FIT!!!!! I got a 20Ib goal staring me in the face!!!!!

Ladies and Gents I think we have ourselves a New Years resolution!!=)

The Ex, but maybe not for long 0_0??

Its been a whole year since I broke up with my ex-boyfriend.

And, it didn't occur to me until my drunken episode how much I miss the guy. I mean if you think about it, I haven't been in a single relationship since then. I haven't even gone on a date. Granted, I did tell someone that I liked them, but I don't think I was really interested in that person (just lookin for a rebound)...

So, I decided I would call my ex to see how he is doing and we ended up talking for more than an hour (I had to cut it short cause I needed to work on a paper)
We decided to meet up after finals when I go back to San Diego. He hinted a few times that he wanted to get back together with me (he hadn't been interested in anyone either)

I don't think I made a mistake in breaking up a year ago. There were some things that we both needed to do for ourselves but I guess I should at least give him a trail run. Just to see if he has changed at all.

If he is gonna be the way he was, I don't need the drama. I will definitely let him loose for good. Besides, I am going to Europe this summer, and I plan to study abroad for a year and spend a quarter in Washington D.C. If he can't be OK with that, then goodbye to him!

I guess I will see how it goes, but so far, its alright....Just don't be surprised if I am still single by the end of the holiday break. =O

21 and Drunk

For the first time ever, last Saturday I got really drunk.

Totally wasted. And, unfortunately I remember everything.0_0

As soon as I crossed the line from tipsy to drunk, I was crying and yelling about how I wish that regular people didn't have to suffer, or how I didn't want to go back to LA because I felt lonely.

Basically everything that I kept inside for the past couple of months came out. And I am sure I looked like a complete idiot.

Whats worse is that I thought I was with someone who I could trust to take care of me if I went over the line. Unfortunately, I was severely disappointed.

There are many things I learned Saturday night.
1) Never mix beer and liquor cause then you are just asking for trouble.
2)You should drink water before you go to sleep after drinking so that you don't get a hangover
3)Do not drink water after waking up from a night of drinking because it will just make it worse!
4) Never get drunk around someone who has a thing for you because they might take advantage

Trust me, I learned all of these things the hard way =(