I am counting down the last few days of my time here at UCLA and I am both excited and scared :0
Luckily I managed to grab a job for after I graduate :)
I am going to be a teacher! I was accepted into the Teach for America program which is a two year commitment. I will get money for moving to anywhere they send me, full salary and benefits as well as grant money that I could use toward a masters degree in education.I am thinking I am going to do this for two years then start the graduate school process.
Also,I decided that I didn't want to be a lawyer - I will still go to law school, maybe even take the bar but I wont be an active attorney. I would rather spend my time working on issues related to people of color. Which is why I now plan to get my JD and a Ph. D in ethnic,Chicana/o studies or American studies. I have already started on some research that I hope to turn into a dissertation once I am ready for that next step. It has to do with education of historically marginalized groups so I my time with Teach for America will give me some good real world work to add to my research.
March 25 I am heading to Washington, D.C! Going to take some classes there and do an internship. Then I am going to return about a week before graduation and...well...graduate from UCLA!
Its hard for me to believe that I am actually going to accomplish a long awaited goal for me. I am going to be the first in my family to graduate from a university.
I am hoping that i can be a good role model for my little sisters who are currently wondering what to do with their lives. My brother already chose the military, and my other sister decided she wanted to be medical assistant. I have big issues with the fact that my little brother and older sister both took the easy way out but that's what I will be looking at with my research...sort of. I will be looking at how priorities are set within communities of color and how they are indoctrinated to believe that they must make money as fast as possible instead of going to college for a degree. I guess that mentality comes with living in capitalist system, but what else could explain the high rates of Latina/os and African Americans not going to college?
I am getting off topic again, haha
I think its because a lot of my friends have ADD and dyslexia. Their tendencies are rubbing off on me!!!
Anyway, its my last 3 months on the UCLA campus and bam! Done with my undergrad...ugh.
Friday, January 27, 2012
Monday, December 12, 2011
I need friends!
So I am single again! Well, actually, I have been single since April and so far it has been great.
There are high and lows, I will admit. It’s great to be able to do anything you want to without feeling guilty (not that I have done anything super extraordinary, but it is nice that I have the choice :P)
I like having time for myself, to sit by myself, to do what I want in the comfort of my own space. The only problem is that I hate going places alone, or eating out in public alone. I wish I wasn’t so afraid to just be somewhere else by myself. I bug my friends all the time to spend time with me, just so I can go outside and do something different, but for some reason I am usually the only one who has the need to explore. It is kind of sad.
I think the worst part is that I spend waaayyy to much time with my ex boyfriend. We are friends still, and business partners, but he is the only one who seems to want to hang out and do cool stuff. It is probably because I am the only friend of his who lives in the Southbay not too far away from his house. I have to see him for work Wednesday and Saturdays so I am kind of tired of spending so much time with him, especially since people assume we are still together, but we are not. I have no romantic feelings toward him what so ever, which is sad cause he is a nice guy and all – I hope he finds someone cool soon.
I need more friends. Friends that don’t have kids (my best friend Kim is pretty awesome to hang with, but she lives so far away and she has to work around her kids schedules), friends who are not my ex boyfriends, and people who don’t know the old me. I have changed, but when other people don’t change, things get awkward :0
Great, I realized I have two problems: I need to learn to be comfortable by myself in public and make new friends. What a dilemma :0
I am not so good at making new friends out of the blue. I think it is because I can be kind of intimidating (sometimes bitchy), and perhaps to serious for my own good. And when good looking people talk to me, I start to act retarded. So I can’t have attractive friends either, that would just be too much work. Oh hell. I am screwed. I just want to get along with anyone and chill. Why can’t I be normal and do that??? It is probably because I am use to having boyfriends. I am glad I stopped that whole business. Boyfriends are too much work; I just want friends that are boys!! And Girls too of course. Not “girlfriends” but girls that are friends.
I want friends dammit!
I should just start talking to random people and not care…..ahhhh its easier said than done :0
There are high and lows, I will admit. It’s great to be able to do anything you want to without feeling guilty (not that I have done anything super extraordinary, but it is nice that I have the choice :P)
I like having time for myself, to sit by myself, to do what I want in the comfort of my own space. The only problem is that I hate going places alone, or eating out in public alone. I wish I wasn’t so afraid to just be somewhere else by myself. I bug my friends all the time to spend time with me, just so I can go outside and do something different, but for some reason I am usually the only one who has the need to explore. It is kind of sad.
I think the worst part is that I spend waaayyy to much time with my ex boyfriend. We are friends still, and business partners, but he is the only one who seems to want to hang out and do cool stuff. It is probably because I am the only friend of his who lives in the Southbay not too far away from his house. I have to see him for work Wednesday and Saturdays so I am kind of tired of spending so much time with him, especially since people assume we are still together, but we are not. I have no romantic feelings toward him what so ever, which is sad cause he is a nice guy and all – I hope he finds someone cool soon.
I need more friends. Friends that don’t have kids (my best friend Kim is pretty awesome to hang with, but she lives so far away and she has to work around her kids schedules), friends who are not my ex boyfriends, and people who don’t know the old me. I have changed, but when other people don’t change, things get awkward :0
Great, I realized I have two problems: I need to learn to be comfortable by myself in public and make new friends. What a dilemma :0
I am not so good at making new friends out of the blue. I think it is because I can be kind of intimidating (sometimes bitchy), and perhaps to serious for my own good. And when good looking people talk to me, I start to act retarded. So I can’t have attractive friends either, that would just be too much work. Oh hell. I am screwed. I just want to get along with anyone and chill. Why can’t I be normal and do that??? It is probably because I am use to having boyfriends. I am glad I stopped that whole business. Boyfriends are too much work; I just want friends that are boys!! And Girls too of course. Not “girlfriends” but girls that are friends.
I want friends dammit!
I should just start talking to random people and not care…..ahhhh its easier said than done :0
Saturday, October 09, 2010
I had a best friend once :'(
These past 6 months have caused me to do a lot of thinking after finding out a lot of truths.
I have found out the facts about the situation between me, my boyfriend and my best friend.
I found out that my best friend cheated on her boyfriend with my boyfriend before we became official. Not only that, but she had been using my boyfriend by having him pay for things for her and do her homework assignments, final exams, etc.
My boyfriends is a nice guy, who hasn't really been lucky in the female department - you could say he was kind of desperate, even glad to be getting attention from her, even if he was just being used. (This is why I can kind of see where he is coming from)But, he was honest to me about it, told me everything. She, however, just tried to get me away from him, and even lied to me every step of the way, not knowing that I already knew the truth.
I also found out that when he and I started showing genuine interest in each other, she deliberately tried to sabotage us. She told my boyfriend that I had slept around a lot and that my family wouldn't like him because they are a bunch of racist crooks. She had told me that he was a player, and a nerdy nobody that couldn't be trusted.
Obviously this was upsetting news.
I was willing to overlook the fact that they had a thing before my boyfriend and I liked each other, but the fact that my best friend would say lies about me and treat me like shit over it - I realized that she is a manipulating selfish bitch that only cares about herself.I cant look at my best friend the same way again.
Its like I am seeing her for the first time. Looking back, I can remember all the times she had tried to manipulate me, and I would also remember all the times her manipulating had worked. I loved her so much, she was really special to me - but to do what she did, the way she did it - I can't trust her.
When I go back to UCLA, I am going to exclude her from my life completely. I don't need people in my life who lie, cheat, and are selfish.
But,
I must say, I do sometimes wish that she had done things differently and had not cheated on her boyfriend or said those things about me. At least then we could have still been friends. I miss my best friend sometimes, but I would rather live in reality than in a fantasy.
I have found out the facts about the situation between me, my boyfriend and my best friend.
I found out that my best friend cheated on her boyfriend with my boyfriend before we became official. Not only that, but she had been using my boyfriend by having him pay for things for her and do her homework assignments, final exams, etc.
My boyfriends is a nice guy, who hasn't really been lucky in the female department - you could say he was kind of desperate, even glad to be getting attention from her, even if he was just being used. (This is why I can kind of see where he is coming from)But, he was honest to me about it, told me everything. She, however, just tried to get me away from him, and even lied to me every step of the way, not knowing that I already knew the truth.
I also found out that when he and I started showing genuine interest in each other, she deliberately tried to sabotage us. She told my boyfriend that I had slept around a lot and that my family wouldn't like him because they are a bunch of racist crooks. She had told me that he was a player, and a nerdy nobody that couldn't be trusted.
Obviously this was upsetting news.
I was willing to overlook the fact that they had a thing before my boyfriend and I liked each other, but the fact that my best friend would say lies about me and treat me like shit over it - I realized that she is a manipulating selfish bitch that only cares about herself.I cant look at my best friend the same way again.
Its like I am seeing her for the first time. Looking back, I can remember all the times she had tried to manipulate me, and I would also remember all the times her manipulating had worked. I loved her so much, she was really special to me - but to do what she did, the way she did it - I can't trust her.
When I go back to UCLA, I am going to exclude her from my life completely. I don't need people in my life who lie, cheat, and are selfish.
But,
I must say, I do sometimes wish that she had done things differently and had not cheated on her boyfriend or said those things about me. At least then we could have still been friends. I miss my best friend sometimes, but I would rather live in reality than in a fantasy.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Old news is bad news
After two months of being in the best relationship I have ever been in I get a freaken text from the ex.
He asked me if there was any chance that we could be friends. Me being the idiot that I am said "maybe". Eventually I told him that it was easier for me to just start ignoring him and thats when I did stupid thing number 2 - I told him "I will always love you, but we were not meant to be." and he took it as - "I love you, lets get back together." SO by telling him we were never gonna happen I gave him hope that something was going to happen 0_0 wtf? A text fight ensued.
But to be honest, I have been a little bothered. I noticed he also has a new person in his life and that bothers me. I will admit, I am jealous of this new girl - irritated by the fact that she is being treated the way I had always wanted to be treated.
I was told by my ex that I was fat, and so he was too embarrassed to take me with him to hang out with friends. So what did I do? I stayed with the bastard, started working out like crazy and lost 50 pounds. But that still wasn't enough for him.
I wanted to spend time together, go places, would of liked small surprises like flowers for finishing finals, or a small present here or there. But what did I get from the entire relationship? Commentary on how I just wasn't good enough for him. I invested time, energy, loads of money into a dead relationship. I finally just gave him an ultimatum - he can be in the relationship with me 100 percent or we end it. He told me he couldn't - so I left.
This new girl is fat(fatter than I was), uglier than me (and I am not just saying that, she really is fugly)and she gets all the fun little gifts. She also gets to go places, hang out with his friends even..
In our text fight he was telling me how even though he was with this girl he was still unhappy - he made a mistake, that I was the one for him, and that he was willing to treat me way better than the way he treats his new girl. YEAH RIGHT!
I have thought about it and decided that my jealousy is irrational. I may have feelings left over but not enough to where I would drop what I have now to go back with that jackass.
My new guy makes me very happy :)
He has done nothing but make my life easier to manage since we started seeing each other.
I am gonna do my best to enjoy my new and improved life with an amazing person :)
He asked me if there was any chance that we could be friends. Me being the idiot that I am said "maybe". Eventually I told him that it was easier for me to just start ignoring him and thats when I did stupid thing number 2 - I told him "I will always love you, but we were not meant to be." and he took it as - "I love you, lets get back together." SO by telling him we were never gonna happen I gave him hope that something was going to happen 0_0 wtf? A text fight ensued.
But to be honest, I have been a little bothered. I noticed he also has a new person in his life and that bothers me. I will admit, I am jealous of this new girl - irritated by the fact that she is being treated the way I had always wanted to be treated.
I was told by my ex that I was fat, and so he was too embarrassed to take me with him to hang out with friends. So what did I do? I stayed with the bastard, started working out like crazy and lost 50 pounds. But that still wasn't enough for him.
I wanted to spend time together, go places, would of liked small surprises like flowers for finishing finals, or a small present here or there. But what did I get from the entire relationship? Commentary on how I just wasn't good enough for him. I invested time, energy, loads of money into a dead relationship. I finally just gave him an ultimatum - he can be in the relationship with me 100 percent or we end it. He told me he couldn't - so I left.
This new girl is fat(fatter than I was), uglier than me (and I am not just saying that, she really is fugly)and she gets all the fun little gifts. She also gets to go places, hang out with his friends even..
In our text fight he was telling me how even though he was with this girl he was still unhappy - he made a mistake, that I was the one for him, and that he was willing to treat me way better than the way he treats his new girl. YEAH RIGHT!
I have thought about it and decided that my jealousy is irrational. I may have feelings left over but not enough to where I would drop what I have now to go back with that jackass.
My new guy makes me very happy :)
He has done nothing but make my life easier to manage since we started seeing each other.
I am gonna do my best to enjoy my new and improved life with an amazing person :)
Monday, May 24, 2010
Searching for the Truth
There are two sides to every story.
The problem is trying to put the pieces together when people exaggerate the facts or conveniently leave others out.
Its only when you find out who hasn't been upfront about things from the beginning that the pieces begin to fit.
I am finding out a lot of things. Its all swirling in my head. I am at a point in my life where people, things, everything, and everyone I thought I knew is turning out to be wrong.
wtf happened?
The problem is trying to put the pieces together when people exaggerate the facts or conveniently leave others out.
Its only when you find out who hasn't been upfront about things from the beginning that the pieces begin to fit.
I am finding out a lot of things. Its all swirling in my head. I am at a point in my life where people, things, everything, and everyone I thought I knew is turning out to be wrong.
wtf happened?
Saturday, May 22, 2010
The worst news imagineable :(
This week was starting to be one of the best of my life. I would have never thought that just yesterday it could turn out to be one of the worst.
I had won 2 scholarships, I am in Mountain View with the most wonderful boyfriend I ever had - things were turning out to be really amazing.
Then I got a call from my sister telling me that my dad, who has been battling liver cancer since his diagnosis 6 months ago is in the final month of his life.
When I heard the news, the one thing I really wanted to do was just break down and cry - but I have too many things to take care of.
I am not going to go to school this week while I figure things out.
I think I am going to drop one of or all of my classes this quarter and just move home.
I am gonna spend the week figuring it out. I am just glad that I have someone to help me get through this.
I had won 2 scholarships, I am in Mountain View with the most wonderful boyfriend I ever had - things were turning out to be really amazing.
Then I got a call from my sister telling me that my dad, who has been battling liver cancer since his diagnosis 6 months ago is in the final month of his life.
When I heard the news, the one thing I really wanted to do was just break down and cry - but I have too many things to take care of.
I am not going to go to school this week while I figure things out.
I think I am going to drop one of or all of my classes this quarter and just move home.
I am gonna spend the week figuring it out. I am just glad that I have someone to help me get through this.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Complications -but so far so good...
So, he and I are officially a couple.
He actually came to visit me this past weekend, which was very fun :)
So far we have managed to talk a lot. As far as I know, we have both been pretty honest and understanding with each other (I can only speak for myself of course) and our relationship is blooming nicely :)
I am really happy. I don't feel as stressed or depressed as I used to, which is a good thing for sure.
My boss and everyone keep asking me why I am so happy and smiling a lot. I guess I never realized how I didn't really smile much before.
This weekend I will be going to Monterey Bay for the first time with him and his mom :0
I like his mom, she is really sweet and talkative (I am usually not much of a talker, so this works out :)
Now for the complication...So I said before that I met him through my best friend. Something that I have found out is that 5 years ago they used to date (it wasn't even official really, it was like an ambiguous relationship). Now, surprisingly that fact doesn't bother me at all. And I pretty much consider it the past. I mean, she is my best friend so I am not going to hold it against her or him - its dumb to.
But to my surprise, my friend is the one who had a problem with us dating. And I thought it was because he did something to her before - but it turns out that its actually because she likes him still, even though she is already in a committed relationship with someone else.
He already made it clear to her that as long as he and I are in a relationship he can't even see her that way anymore. Then she promised me that she would try to accept me dating him.
Since then she hasn't really spoken to me, she rarely replies to my texts, she acts differently now and she is obviously depressed. I am not sure what to do. I love her so much, more than anyone else. I don't want this weird situation to get in the way of our friendship. I am really hoping that she will get over it and accept the situation for what it is.
I really just want my best friend back :(
I am wondering if I should just stop seeing him, but I really don't want to - I finally found something really special.
For now I will just hope that in time it will get better for us. Hopefully it all works out...
He actually came to visit me this past weekend, which was very fun :)
So far we have managed to talk a lot. As far as I know, we have both been pretty honest and understanding with each other (I can only speak for myself of course) and our relationship is blooming nicely :)
I am really happy. I don't feel as stressed or depressed as I used to, which is a good thing for sure.
My boss and everyone keep asking me why I am so happy and smiling a lot. I guess I never realized how I didn't really smile much before.
This weekend I will be going to Monterey Bay for the first time with him and his mom :0
I like his mom, she is really sweet and talkative (I am usually not much of a talker, so this works out :)
Now for the complication...So I said before that I met him through my best friend. Something that I have found out is that 5 years ago they used to date (it wasn't even official really, it was like an ambiguous relationship). Now, surprisingly that fact doesn't bother me at all. And I pretty much consider it the past. I mean, she is my best friend so I am not going to hold it against her or him - its dumb to.
But to my surprise, my friend is the one who had a problem with us dating. And I thought it was because he did something to her before - but it turns out that its actually because she likes him still, even though she is already in a committed relationship with someone else.
He already made it clear to her that as long as he and I are in a relationship he can't even see her that way anymore. Then she promised me that she would try to accept me dating him.
Since then she hasn't really spoken to me, she rarely replies to my texts, she acts differently now and she is obviously depressed. I am not sure what to do. I love her so much, more than anyone else. I don't want this weird situation to get in the way of our friendship. I am really hoping that she will get over it and accept the situation for what it is.
I really just want my best friend back :(
I am wondering if I should just stop seeing him, but I really don't want to - I finally found something really special.
For now I will just hope that in time it will get better for us. Hopefully it all works out...
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